How To Shirk Responsibility And Avoid Social Obligations

When you find yourself the recipient of an unwanted invitation, it's crucial to think fast. Unfortunately, at that very moment, it's all too easy to draw a blank. Be prepared; add a few of my all-purpose excuses to your social skills set. It's better to be safe than sorry you said "yes!"

1. "Can't. I'm still in Beta." --- excellent for nerds who won't take no for an answer.
2. "Sweat clogs my pores." --- do I want to jog with you at 5am? Let me think . . .
   
3. "Sounds great! Are you sure you don't mind the diarrhea?" --- if they don't, it's real friendship or real Fatal Attraction.
   
4. "The reviews were lousy." --- especially the ones I've heard about your cooking, company, etc.
   
5. "I'm expecting the mothership." --- use only if you're certain that she won't insist on waiting with you.
   
6. "It's laundry day. I'm naked." --- this may have the added advantage of being true.
   
7. "I think that would violate the terms of my parole." --- give yourself an air of mystery!
   
8. "My horoscope sounded kinda iffy." --- how can you argue with the stars?
   
9. "It's a full moon." --- act a little twitchy when you say it. Just for fun.
   
10. "I would, but then I'd have to blog about it!" --- fear the blog threat!

Happy Avoidance!

Written for the Writing Project at An Island Life. Aloha!

Possibly The World's Most Unnecessary Sign

Wordless Wednesday!

By Proclamation

From this day forward, let it be known and universally acknowledged that any and all presidential candidates are so patriotic that they can fart the Star Spangled Banner and salute simultaneously. While wearing a flag pin, of course.

Please, adjust your news coverage accordingly.

That is all.

Adios, Amiga!

Yesterday, I walked into Baby Puppy's room and caught her peeling all of the Dora the Explorer decals off of her wall. When I asked (in a less than thrilled tone, I admit) what she was doing, she replied that she was tired of Dora, and she wanted a new room. I believe her exact words were "something fancy and classic."

Well, thank you, Better Homes and Kindergarteners!

I don't really know what "fancy and classic" entails, but I have a couple of guesses. I bet it's:

(a) expensive
and
(b) horrifying to the average mom.

Still, it's Baby Puppy's space, not mine. If she prefers the Prince of Darkness to the Princesses of Disney, well, that's who she is. I want to encourage her individuality, not smother it in pink.

But, I'm gonna miss Dora. And, Boots. And, Map. Especially, Map. Because, clearly, I'm not holding the map anymore.

Give Me A "C!"

Since June is drawing to a close, I wanted to let everyone know how I did with Chile Chews's June Challenge. Remember, I was trying to rely less on single-serving convenience foods. So, how did I do?

If I was grading my performance (and I am), I would give myself a "C." I made some good changes, particularly when it comes to eliminating juice boxes. However, I found myself to be unwilling to give up Baby Puppy's favorite single-serving snacks. The temptation of the convenience was too much for me.

To atone, I joined Green Dimes. Perhaps, now, Victoria's Secret will stop sending me six catalogs a week. Come on, nobody needs that many bras!

*****

On a completely different note, some of you may remember that I recently broke one of my toes. Would you believe that I did it again? Same foot, different toe. This time it's my pinky toe (now we know why it went "wee, wee, wee" all the way home). My assailant was a door. I'm starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something. "Hey, watch where you're going," perhaps?

Review: America's Hidden History

I have always been fascinated by history. In fact, I have a degree in history (have I ever mentioned that? No?) that I've never actually used . . . until now!

America's Hidden History: Untold Tales of the First Pilgrims, Fighting Women, and Forgotten Founders Who Shaped a Nation (Collins, 2008), by Kenneth C. Davis, lightly covers the period from the arrival of Columbus in the New World in 1492 to the ratification of the Constitution in 1789. By "lightly covers," I mean that Davis recounts some of the juicy historical tidbits and dramas that your typical high school text book leaves out. For example, did you know that Queen Isabella insisted that Columbus transport pigs on one of his voyages? Doesn't sound all that significant until you consider that pigs were very likely the source of the epidemics of disease that decimated the native population of the Americas.

Frankly, I loved this book. But, would I recommend it? Yes and no. If you are interested in history, definitely pick up America's Hidden History. If you fell asleep as soon as I started citing dates, you might want to skip it.

A "Perfect" Follow-Up

Most of you who commented on yesterday's post (thank you!) correctly pointed out that I seem to be a bit burned out. Yeah, it's true, I'm a little crispy around the edges. But, you know what's the real kick in the ass? It's my own damned fault.

In some respects, I would have made an excellent Puritan. That whole "idle hands are the Devil's playthings" really resonates with me. All day long, I stay in constant motion. Every moment is productive. Every task is tackled with ruthless efficiency. Like an automaton on an assembly line, I turn out clean laundry, craft projects, and snacks.

If I stopped . . .

What? What would happen if I stopped?

Are my relationships so fragile that a single "no" would cause them to shatter beyond repair? If I collapsed on the couch and let the tiredness leak from my bones, would the stars fall from the sky? In whose eyes would I really lose value if I took a day off and let the toys fall where they may, so to speak?

Just the eyes in the mirror.

Right?